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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Because I'm human


NO LIMITS. This is the premise of having a blog as a personal platform. However, it is strange that such an outlet that supposedly allows the freedom to express, the liberty to be you can be ironically restraining.

Who you really are or what you can actually do isn't the criteria by which you will be judged, it is mostly of what is you simply "put" out there that measures how people will define you. The great potential blogging has to offer is something you definitely don't want to mess with. In a place like the Internet, despite the opportunities available, blogs can also make a person vulnerable to scrutiny. The wrong words, misunderstood statements or "offensive" entries may be interpreted in million ways more than it ever meant to you. If you are not careful, you may piss off people or turn them against you just because they simply disagree with what you have to say.

On the other hand, a blog can be your tool for upward mobility. It has become a haven for individuals who feel like they don't fit in anywhere else except their own online spaces. Here is where amazing talents are unearthed, the unemployed are hired and a new breed of personalities are discovered. At some point, people have used blogs as a business enterprise. I must admit, I've taken advantage of blogging by asking for monetary compensation in return for favors being asked of me. 

For a while, I thought blogging has been helping me make something out of myself. I wanted to use blogging to reach certain aspirations and it has made me more than ambitious. Spellbound by certain motives and agendas, unknowingly, along the way, I have pushed some people on the side, people who mean a lot to me. When the time came that someone finally pointed out how oblivious I was to how I've been acting, I realized the mistakes I committed and this, I deeply regret.

One day I woke up, feeling that this blog as a brand has narrowed my way of blogging. Because the approval of others mean so much to me, I get upset when my own sense of realism would be interpreted as negativity. Some of my personal statements of how pictures have gotten bigger while write-ups got shorter was taken as an insult which was totally not in any way the intention, only to advocate a more organic way of blogging.

Exhausted with too much thought, I went on a blogging break (a long one) to be able to sort myself out, to deconstruct the good and the bad things about me and to truly pray for myself. Believe it or not, I made this entry as early as March 3, but I couldn't finish the second half of it, unsure of the direction I want this entry to go. 

After reading Paul Jatayna's entry, it felt comforting to know that I am not alone in feeling the same personal dissonance.

"For some time, I lost touch of myself in this shallow scene of fashion events and marketing promotions. 

Two years ago I probably thought I was 'cool' and 'famous' because I got invited to all these events. I took photos of all these beautiful people so my blog post about the event would be filled with pretty faces. That way I could catch readers's attention and they would think that I was an important person too because I was there.

Looking back, it felt like I was whoring myself for fame and blog views."

In these few excerpts from Paul's entry, I saw myself. Even though I know in myself that I've tried my best to be true to my readers, I couldn't deny that every word Paul uttered pierced me because for some time, I've been like this too.


In line with this movement towards authenticity, I'm throwing image and personal branding out of the window - today. With this entry, I want you to know that there are negative things about me, things that make me human. I now have come to the terms that I wanted people to read me not because of the happy posts, not because of the outfits and material things I blog and certainly not because they only admire the good side of me that I allow them to see.

Just like everyone else, my personality has its own turn offs. Recently, I've been confronted that I have the tendency to speak my mind on a lot of occasions without being aware of people's feelings. It's inevitable for me to be too loud, talkative, opinionated and frank that I can come across as tactless. It's also been a struggle for me to control my feelings that at times, I show uncalled for attitude when I am pissed, stressed, frustrated or agitated most especially on work-related matters.

In some instances in my life, I have participated in bashing and negative conversations about other people. I'd like to believe I'm not as mean as the others can be but the point is not if I do it less, but the fact that I did it. Even if a lot of other people gossip too, it doesn't make it in any way okay. Moreover, there's no excuse for it and I told myself this is something I'll never engage in ever.

I haven't been a very good daughter as well. Because I've achieved a lot in school a few years back, I've been overconfident that I know what's good for me. There were moments when I've taken my parents for granted, deliberately disobeyed them, and even answered back when they disapprove with my life decisions. I was blind enough to see that even if I end up taking care of them during their old age, it will never be enough for everything they've given and sacrificed for me to be this person today.

As I live my life, I have done some actions and have spoken some words that I am not very proud of because it has hurt other people and it made me think what a terrible person I've been.


There are still quite a few things that I need to work on myself. Everyday is an effort to change for the better, to keep myself grounded and righteous. The lenten season has been a helpful time to think and I've finally come to face the truth. Starting today, I am not a blogger but just a person writing my heart out. Someone who is actually like you, someone three-dimensional.

Writing this made me realize that false affirmation isn't important. No amount of comments telling me I have a good style, no number of event invitations, blog collaborations, number of followers and other flattering remarks will measure the true sense of acceptance.

When you are willing to understand this revelation and look past the imperfections and weaknesses is the most genuine form of acceptance. Of all the entries, pictures and reviews you've been reading, if you look really closely, there's that sense of vacancy. At the end of the day, you don't really know most of who you are following, liking, fanning, hyping or reading. My personal flaws only show that I am nothing but human - someone who makes mistakes too, someone who has experienced giving in to temptations, someone who has a negative side just like you, basically just like everyone else.

I'm on board with Paul J., to keep things real. And now that I've gotten these things out, I'm not going to hold back on expressing myself because this blog is never just about style but most importantly about my soul. :)

P.S. Glad to be back! BTW, giveaway winners will be announced on tumblr / facebook!


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22 comments:

  1. I think this is one of the best and strongest heartfelt blogpost from a local blogger i've read for a long time. :) couldn't be more proud of you. I don't have to say anything else because you know by heart what I want to say to you now. :)

    All the best!

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  2. i love this. im so proud of u.. i respect u so mcuh melai

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  3. wow! i was amaze with the deep of thoughts that you have poured over this entry,
    and just by reading it you have transcended me to a different space. :-)

    Thanks for the inspiration. If you don't mind i would love to follow your blog
    from now on.

    Feel free to follow me as well if my sense of blogging suits your taste.

    http://wordbliss-chronicle.blogspot.com/

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  4. Hey Melai :) Glad to see you're back! Got much respect for this post. Keep on trucking!

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  5. I love this post, as much as Mr. Paul's when I read his entry when it was posted. The line "I am not a blogger but just a person writing my heart out." is what really got me. I admit for a moment I envied those bloggers who get a lot of traffic. Eventually, I took a three month break not only because of school and organizations, but also it became tiring trying to make my posts interesting. Come Christmas though, I realized that my blog site should really be about me - by letting myself be pressured I'm practically taking away my own freedom to write and identity. So, now I'm writing what I feel I want to immortalize in my own site, and just be happy that somehow, I got my feelings out, whether people actually read it or not.

    I love, love this Ms. Melai. In fact, you were my inspiration to start my blog on June 2011. And hooray - you're back! Congrats! :D


    Almira :)
    numbertwohere

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  6. I was moved by your words, Melai. You are such an inspiration. I somewhat got teary-eyed reading this post. Continue inspiring us! :) xx

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  7. Glad youre back! missed your posts!! :)

    xoxo,
    thelivingcloset.blogspot.com

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  8. I really felt you here Melai and that's what makes posts great...not the events...not the products... :) It's refreshing to see a post amid a sea of entries that seem like press releases already. No offense meant :) I'm just happy you're keeping it real and is finally coming to terms on what blogging really is for you. It is for you. Don't ever forget that :)

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  9. love this piece,
    you really has one amazing soul.
    and i love you more for being so grounded.

    keep it up ms. melai, blogospere need someone like you.

    love lots,

    adventuresofapple.blogspot.com

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  10. You know I feel the same way Melai. ALAMOYAN :) glad to read this post! I read Paul's post too! hope to see you soon! :)

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  11. i've been having the same thoughts/feelings/reservations for so long and i've really been struggling with them. i just feel like the whole blogging world, amazing as it can be, is moving towards a direction that is maybe not entirely suited for me. like i've been losing sight of who i am and what i really want for my blog (or why i started it in the first place), and i just wasn't happy about that. so i've also been making little changes with the way i deal with blog-related things and i can honestly say i feel i am getting back in touch with my old self.

    blogging - in the long run - can get rather strenuous so it's important not to lose sight of who you are. that's what i keep telling myself, and what i tell those who want to start a blog. i really do appreciate you writing this post, melai. maybe i'll do the same in the near future...although i've been thinking about doing a vlog about it instead. it's actually something that a few foreign bloggers have been doing (and although their "issues" vary slightly, they still bear an uncanny resemblance to what we ourselves are struggling with). doing a video about it is a frightening thought, though. haha.

    miss you, girl! (:

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  12. @Paul: Thanks for these words. Felt good to hear it from you. You inspired me kaya!

    @Karl: Aaaaw Karl. Salamat! Same here!

    @Hautepot: Salamat dear :)

    @Almira: Aaaaw thaaanks dear! You're always there for my blog. I appreciate you!

    @Etaduran: Salamat :)

    @Gemnikka: Thaaaanks! :)

    @Roma: Aaaw thanks because you appreciate it. :)

    @Apple: Salamat :) I really hope to put out my soul more often.

    @Denise: Thaanks dear! Yes see you soon!

    @Bestie: Yeah, it's indeed a struggle in the blogging world. But I'm really glad you find this piece something you feel the same way too. Feelings like this create the most connection above all. If you want to vlog about it, go lang! :) I miss you too.

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  13. @vanessa: aaw thanks for the support :)

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  14. Its only my first time to read a whole entry. I can sense you hqve a good heart. All the best for you melai:)

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  15. @pumped up kid: Thank you. It means a lot when people feel with me and understand. :)

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  16. I have been reading your blog for sometime now but only now did I get to read this certain post. I would like to say that this must be your best post so far. It's really moving and enlightening. I am glad to know that you are strong enough to admit your mistakes and make up for them. Not everyone can do that. Kahit siguro ako, nahihirapan. But we all make mistakes diba? And blogging or the blogosphere, although it reaches hundreds of people worldwide, it's a small world. People have different reactions on what you post. And you can't really avoid all the judgement and criticism. But sometimes, we are blinded by all the traffic/ hits and even our inspirations. It's like we want to be like them that we tend to forget who we really are. I am so happy that there's a blogger like you -- someone I can really relate to, someone who inspires readers not only to improve personal style but also personality. I love what you said here, "Everyday is an effort to change for the better, to keep myself grounded and righteous." This post just proves that you have a good heart, a good personality. Meeting you someday would be a privileged. Keep doing what you do best! xx

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    Replies
    1. Hi Channie! This comment is full of insights :) I love this and I really appreciate you for saying this :)

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  17. melai…OMG. you captured my sentiments. this IS the reason i took a blogging hiatus last year - for 2 months! everything was too much and was too superficial…i didn't want to express it in my blog because i didn't want to offend anyone…although my close friends knew about it. now, i blog only whenever i want to and not because i have to. i don't care about stats because it used to drive me crazy. believe it or not, i was within the top 30 before when i started and now i'm in the top 250 in topblogs..but i don't care and i felt relieved by not caring about stats anymore -- or invitations to events or comment numbers.

    you're a brave woman for admitting that you're just human melai. and you're an inspiration. ♥ you!

    ♥ vanilla ice cream ♥

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    Replies
    1. Aaaw I'm so happy you and I can relate! I starting blogging with you and ate Denise Lozada as my inspiration and it feels flattering to hear you say this that I'm an inspiration as well, well you made my day on that :)

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  18. Good to know your back. :) Own the world and all of your dreams, I love this post by the way.

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  19. You're the best. I'm a new fan and this is the most honest and heartfelt message in a famous blog ever. Stay wonderful! x

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I appreciate anything you have to say. Thanks for dropping by. It means so much to me. Love, Melai

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